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Yeah, I think we’ve reached a new low: Avalanche Sharks (2014) a T.V. movie produced by the Syfy Channel the same people who brought us Sharknado. Syfy cut this crap out sharks are cool.

I’ve always been fascinated by sharks, I’ve even swam with the sharks in Bora-Bora which was to say the least exhilarating.  Shark documentaries are great but at the end of the day sharks can be dangerous.  It is really shark movies have made history—look at Jaws, that film was almost responsible for the extinction of the natures greatest predator the great white shark.  Then the Syfy channel came along with Sharknado which now has a cult like following—after all they on in their 5th sequel.  Not that I approve of Sharknado, but it is an Academy Award winning film compared to Avalanche Sharks.

However, sharks have created their own genre. This can be accredited to the Syfy channel’s constant carnival of bizarre scripts written which only god knows how has turned into a money printing machine for Holly Wood.  The plot is so absurd and that’s expected and taking it as a joke wouldn’t bother me too much if wasn’t for the moronic crosswise of sideshows we forced to watch, the continual leaning of the film on scantily clad women wearing bikinis at a snow ski resort (on spring break) and these plastic characters.  It might be the worst crap out in film history, I mean Avalanche Sharks stinks on ice.

Here is the origin of these “sharks,” they navigate through the snow and go on a carnivorous eating binge tally up a nice sized body count of young college kids on spring break.  Yeah that is right, they move through the snow, the victim sees the dorsal fin of the man-eating shark before it devours its victim.  How in the world can sharks swim through freshwater snow and eat everything from humans to a sled dog.  And where did these sharks come from?  Some Native American bullshit curse that appear when some sticks are properly placed to satisfy this horrific spell.

How is it possible for anyone to be this bad at writing? Are the actors trying to be this bad or are they actually this bad?  This cast is utterly useless at something and I believe that’s the only takeaway to have after this movie: Know that no matter what you do, you’ll never be as bad at anything as the cast of Avalanche Sharks is at acting (or perhaps writing).

But let’s go to some JPFmovie consultants: SJ and EJ about their shark film double header Avalanche Sharks and Three Headed Shark Attack both appearing on Netflix of course.

EJ:       Currently being forced to watch bad shark movies. What I have learned: you probably shouldn’t run towards the shark, but it also doesn’t help to run in any other direction because sharks can fly and burrow through mountains, apparently. So…¯\_(ツ)_/¯

EJ:       If the plot of your shark movie would make more sense if all the sharks were replaced by giant moles, then you should maybe rethink your plot.

EJ:       Also, if you’re on an island and there’s a man eating shark in the water (and it’s not the burrowing kind of shark), you don’t need to get in the water.  Just stay on the land, my dudes.

In addition to blood, sharks are also apparently attracted to empty beer cans and discarded bikini tops.

EJ:       New rule: If you’re going to do that whole horror movie trope of kill-all-the-scantily-clad-and-promiscuous-women, you don’t get to also have those long camera shots of scantily clad women to cater to the straight male viewers. At least be consistent with your sexism.

EJ:       Do not leap off a boat directly at the shark. I don’t care if you have an axe, that’s still not gonna turn out well for you.

EJ:       Pro tip, if you chop off one head of a three-headed shark, the shark might not be dead

EJ:       Okay, this shark apparently works like a hydra, so chopping off one head just makes it worse. You’ve gotta cauterize that stump, my dudes.

EJ:       Breakthrough, folks, the shark is attracted to pollution. It was all a metaphor for mankind’s punishment for ruining the planet… or something.

SJ:       “I think there’s subliminal messaging in this movie. It’s saying… stop watching this movie.”

 
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Posted by on June 18, 2017 in Movie Reviews

 

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